The results came back from the doctor:
You do not have an allergy to gluten.
You are just an adult-sized baby in need of diaper change.

I will open a cupcake truck to cater to your needs. Like the theory that propels sales of homeopathy, the less of something you consume, the more effective it is. Thus, my cupcake truck will sell nothing, which is the least amount of less, and you can pay a premier price for this and know there are no allergens present in my [invisible] cupcakes.